I spent two weeks in Ferrol, Spain where I met five of the most uniquely beautiful young women. Their names were Sara, Mo, Grace, Morgan, and Kiana. The six of us were accepted into a pre med fellowship to shadow doctors abroad. Originally when I applied for the fellowship, I was still battling a series of doubts about my goals and aspirations. But by the grace of God, being accepted into the fellowship provided me with the reassurance I needed…
I told myself that when I stepped off the plane in Madrid, there would be no more sadness. No more self-pity. I made a promise to myself to no longer allow my depression and anxiety to deprive me from what God had destined for me. The week prior to me finalizing my travel arrangements I relapsed…When I say relapse I mean I cut myself… I haven’t done it in such a long time; and truth be told I was absolutely devastated when I did. For three days, I could not get off the couch. My dad told me he was going to take me the E.R. “We don’t know how to help you Britt, if you don’t talk. “You are worrying us”.. I’m sorry daddy. My parents ended up calling my best friend Carissa and Aunt Michele to sit by my side. Carissa sat with me for three hours that evening…She’s been my best friend since we were in 7th grade, and I love her with all my heart.
I kept my relapse a secret in fear of my parents withdrawing me from my fellowship. Reason why was because I earned it, and I deserved to go. I will never forget that Sunday when my mother took my arms and began searching for marks… She knew. “ Let me see your arms and legs” she said. I effortlessly surrendered my arms and legs, because I knew she would find nothing. And she didn’t. You see, I made the incision distinctively under my right breast so no one could find it. And I knew they
never would. For some reason that week my depression was drowning me, and my panic attacks were the weights keeping me underwater. Satan sure knows when to turn things up a notch. I do believe a part of it was knowing that I was about to embark on a new chapter in my life. Then again, I also knew that I was going to have to let go of certain people and situations. Ultimately, in the end I knew I had to experience this opportunity for me… I had to do this for the past, present, and future Brittany.
Four days out of my week were spent in the hospital shadowing. There I witnessed numerous surgeries, and walked in the shoes of my assigned physicians. Being able to be up close and personal with patients and physicians was so rewarding. It was even more reassurance for my future career goals. On our free days, the ladies and I were able to explore the beautiful country of Spain. For our first explore day, we went kayaking, and swimming in Pontedeume ( Playa de la Magdalena). However, my absolute favorite place to visit was the Cathedral in Santiago. I remember walking up the steps and feeling so overwhelmed with emotions when I got there. Breathtaking is what it was. The Cathedral was so captivating, I then understood why it was such an important monument in Santiago. There were hundreds of people waiting for mass as silence painted the cathedral walls. As I stepped in, I dipped my fingers in holy water, made the sign of the cross on my body, and continued to enter. I looked back at Mo and took her hand. Mo and I have similar life experiences, so we bonded immediately. She is this perfectly sculpted piece of sunshine in human form. During our fellowship, she was my roommate, prayer partner, and now dearest friend… Mo, Grace, Sara and I got in line to hug St. James. Morgan and Kiana went to have a seat for mass. What people would normally do was stand in line to wrap their arms around a gold representation of St. James, as they prayed to him. When my turn came, I prayed for acceptance and forgiveness of my past mistakes, self-growth as a woman, and peace of mind to move forward in life. The four of us then proceeded into one of the prayer sections. I remember waiting in line once again to get on my knees and just let everything go. I had to let go of anything negative in my life. I had to let go of everything that was no longer in my control. I even had to let go of those who I loved the most, yet hurt me the most…
I cried for the last time that day in the Santiago de Compostela. I Never looked back once I opened my eyes and walked out of the Cathedral. Not even on this day as I write this… I’ve come to a realization that my anxiety and depression might never be “cured” 100%. But that does not mean that I cannot make the best of my life. That does not make me handicapped. Nor does it make me a prisoner in my own body. I met the most beautiful souls on my fellowship during those two weeks. I was able to experience opportunities, that I would have never dreamt of. I was blessed to have such an amazing support system from my family and friends. And I am still truly blessed…
4 replies on “Acceptance, Self-Growth, & Spain”
You are absolutely right Satan does know how to turn it up a notch the closer you get to Victory. Keep your head up love, stay strong and keep fighting! It’s gonna be hard, some days harder than others, but remember god gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. You’re not where you are by mistake, he strategically put you where you are, because he knows you will get through it. And we all know what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Praying for you beautiful!
Thanks for sharing! Believe it or not your experience sounds so familiar. Growing up most of my friends including myself have experienced depression and desperately feeling the need to alleviate the pain by harming ourselves in some fashion. Many people do but just keep it to themselves. We can’t help the way we are wired or how anxious we become at times but as we mature some people find other ways to channel that anxiousness into something positive. I wholeheartedly believe 100% that who you surround yourself with has the most influence on how you react to what’s conflicting your spirit. It’s all about great energy, spiritual wellness and forward thinking. Planning early helps and there will be times we can’t plan for but you just give it your best and relax and remind ourselves that we are perfectly imperfect because we operate in good faith. Great success comes with trial, error and tribulations. At times you will doubt yourself and feel inadequate but it’s normal and we are not broken, we are human!
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Wow am so speechless, all I really wanna say is just keep moving on dear. God got your back ,he would alway be there for you and never lose faith in him.
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Thank you so much my dear! I will never lose faith. You’re so right! Thank you!