First and foremost I would like to shamefully apologize to those who I have hurt because of my depression and anxiety… To those who I have abandoned at social gatherings without any notice. To those who I have screened an abundance of calls and texts, because I was too busy being “unbusy”. And lastly to those who I have been relentlessly dishonest to in regards of my psychological propensity.
Apologies are in order.
I want to clarify that my extended apology is solely on behave of my physical absence, and not my psychological. In other words…“ I’m not apologizing for being mentally ill. I’m apologizing that it comes with consequences that those close to me did not sign up for.” Would you believe me if I told you that I didn’t choose to be this way? Would you believe if I told you there was a time when I wasn’t mentally frail?
Unfortunately I’m unable to precisely recollect the moment I became an introvert. Especially since I love being surrounded by others. It makes me appear less lonely. Not to sound presumptuous, but whenever I go out, I’m the life of the party… Or so I was when I did. But somewhere between a lack of self-confidence and an overly heightened emotional threshold, I found safety in staying in my own bubble. For this bubble was created by me, for a sense of peace of mind. A bubble where I am completely undetectable, “un-judged”, but most importantly untouched. Yea.. that’s it. Untouched . It’s not that I don’t want to join in on group chats, enjoy mimosas and girl-time, or return your second incoming call I watched helplessly. It’s crucial that you to grasp this next part as you read it… I can’t. I can’t go out because I can’t be around people. I can’t call you back because suddenly my social skills have been revoked. And I can’t be present sometimes because remembering to breathe takes more willpower than attempting to get dressed. It is as if my mind has control over my motions. Wild.
Once I leave my bubble, I am then granting myself vulnerability to foreign stimuli that could potentially trigger my anxiety and depression. Silly to you but serious to me. Me leaving my bubble makes me defenseless. Have you any idea how scary that shit is to someone suffering from a mental illness? Allow me to present my reference to you in a more comprehensible manner. Imagine being a great swimmer who suddenly begins drowning out of nowhere. Or wanting to go dancing but knowing you’re incapable because you’re a paraplegic. Better yet, it’s like trusting your best friends and family members with your own life, and yet still somehow believing they can take it from you…It’s the type of mental vulnerability that I have no room to be in. And regardless of how much someone empathizes and sympathizes with me… they will never legitimately understand. So I just stay in my undetected, “un-judged”, and untouched bubble.
My apology to those I love is also an opportunity for those same persons to better understand that it is not their job to understand. Their job is to accept me and love me in my flawed membrane. Please give me space, but don’t forget me. Please don’t stop checking on me. And please don’t take my physical absence personal. And to those suffering from mental health illnesses, please remember that it takes a very special person(s) to sustain you. So stop apologizing for the those who cannot be those people. Stop apologizing for not being “OK”. Stop apologizing to your best friends for neglecting them, because of your current disposition. Because truth be told if their your best friends, they should accept you the way you are. Mine do.. And I will forever love them for that.
To my best friends and family